Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
