I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
