You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
