half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
