I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
