Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
