Sober January is a disaster.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
