I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
