My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
