Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
