I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
