Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
