Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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