I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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