Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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