Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Randomize
