i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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