I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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