If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
