the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
