dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Randomize
