I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
