the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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