New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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