when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
