someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i came on her dog
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
