Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
