I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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