you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
