I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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