Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
