cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
