Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
