The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
