Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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