dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
