My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize