There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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