i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
