in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize