Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My bed smells like the plague
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
