I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I smell like Dick and happiness
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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