We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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