well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
