i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize