I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
After last night, I could never be a politician.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
