I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
