Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
