I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
