Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize