I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I can't turn off my feet"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
