i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
last night I used snow as a chaser
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
