my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
In other news, I just burned my penis
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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