I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
