I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
