I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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