ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
