I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
