I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
