Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
