I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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