Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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